The Top 7 Things You Need For a Successful Zoom Quarter

By Griffin Callaghan, Staff Writer, April 2020


1. ASMR Microphone

There is nothing your Zoom peers want more than to hear the crunch of the apple or red pepper you decided to wait to eat until the middle of class. An ASMR microphone provides the best sound quality out there, and will surely help your classroom environment feel much more personal. After all, you’re doing your part to re-create the classroom ambience, and this is as close as you’ll get to loudly chewing a school store peppermint Clif protein bar.

2. Phone Charger

In order to optimize your focus, it is tremendously important to have your phone charged at all times. Otherwise, how will you get texts or play video games while you are on mute? Also, the embarrassment of having your phone die is not something you come back from. Having to stand up and go bring a phone charger to your desk will expose both your lack of preparation and lack of pants.

3. Sunglasses

These are a must. If you want to be a top Zoomer, your eyes must not be visible to your teacher. You will need to be able to keep your face towards your screen and just move your eyes, but the freedom that sunglasses provide will give you a feeling of liberation unlike anything you’ve ever felt. One danger of the sunglasses, however, is that if your computer brightness is too high, your screen will be reflected onto them. This will expose the fact that you are split screening Cool Math Games and the Zoom call. Do everything you can to avoid this outcome.

4. Voice Filters

More of a fun addition to your Zoom life, these filters will confuse and scare your classmates. A short lived moment of enjoyment, but if you love attention, these filters are a great way to stand out. Use them wisely, though, because voice filters get old fast, and will quickly begin to bother those listening to you.

5. Solid Colored Wall

One of the best features of Zoom is, of course, the virtual backgrounds. However, without a proper wall behind you, the green screen effect often misplaces the background, making you look like an absolute fool. It is very important for you to sit somewhere that is conducive for your virtual backgrounds.

6. Cool Shirts

This one is obvious. In order to stand out in online learning, you have to take advantage of the entire window into your life that a Zoom call provides. Thus, a cool shirt is a necessity. Whether it is your quarantine-delivered More Than Different merch or a fun floral pattern, taking a risk in your daily outfit is certain to take your Zoom game to the next level. These shirts can also become a bit of a conversation piece for your class, which will help bring us together in this isolated time. Plus, maybe that cutie in your HHC class will finally notice you if you decide to wear your Fortnite hoodie.

7. Fast hands in order to hit the mute button before anyone hears your family screaming at you for being a disappointment

I personally have fallen victim to being too slow on the muting, and let me tell you, it is not fun. I would recommend training on your own to get your reflex time as low as possible. If you can turn yourself from unmuted to muted under .87 seconds, chances are, no one will take note of the pure chaos that exists in the world around you. If you have loud siblings, parents, or pets, the easiest way to keep that distraction limited is dynamic mouse control.

***If you follow these easy steps, you will be happier, healthier, and maybe receive the HIGHLY selective and nearly impossible-to-acquire grade of Pass***


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